>>A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
>>waitress asks them for their orders.
>>
>>The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
>>"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
>>A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40
>>please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
>>change
>>for payment
>>
>>The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
>>hamburger, fries and a coke."
>>
>>The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his
>>pocket and pays with exact change.
>>
>>This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
>>waitress.
>>
>>"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
>>salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
>>
>>Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
>>
>>Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
>>on
>>the table.
>>
>>The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
>>How
>>do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every
>>time?"
>>
>>"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
>>found
>>an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
>>My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
>>my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
>>
>>"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
>>million
>>dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
>>as you live!"
>>
>>"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
>>money is always there," says the man.
>>
>>The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
>>
>>The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
>>with
>>a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
>>

How to Be Annoying: A Guide for the Average Joe

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ''like it that way.''
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of rental movies. 
* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear that?'' "What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now.''
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!'' and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ''real hoot''.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''
* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

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In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.

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In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

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In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

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In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

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In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

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In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

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In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

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In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

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In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

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In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."

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In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"

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In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

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In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.

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In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."

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In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.

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In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.

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In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

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In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

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In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"

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In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

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In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 2007, fathers are never truly appreciated.

OH NO!

You just posted a pic of one of the most annoying wedding stunts EVER!

That gag is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO played!

Why do people keep doing it?

Jeremy Riggs wrote:

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OH NO!

You just posted a pic of one of the most annoying wedding stunts EVER!

That gag is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO played!

Why do people keep doing it?

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Really? I've never seen it before...oh well!

Yeah, I've seen it a couple times at weddings. 

And the people always give the obligatory chuckle.  I just shake my head and think "write some new material already would ya!"

Hey Sparky I got some itching powder for ya.