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Post Info TOPIC: Need some advice


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Need some advice


I have a friend (not a very close friend) who wants to do a cabaret and donate the proceeds to a charity.  She's also a performer, and we've come to a lot of her shows, including all but 2 of her band's shows. 

When she first started this cabaret idea, she scheduled a meeting for everyone who was interested in helping.  At the first meeting, I was the only person to show.  At the second meeting, it looked like I'd be the only person again, but another person showed up late, and she ended up convincing her friend to stop by.  The third meeting was scheduled the same day as my birthday "party," so I couldn't go. 

For my birthday, it really wasn't a party.  We decided to go camping, so we invited all our friends to come along to sit around the fire, roast marshmellows, and that sort of stuff.  I tried to make it clear that there was no start time, and that people could just drop by at any time.  We had 3 friends show up: two were married, and the third had stopped by the other 2's house to hang out for the night and they brought him along.  I was pretty bummed, and felt pretty friendless (although I had fun with the friends who did show).  On my birthday, I had a few people apologize for not being able to come and wish me a happy birthday, so I felt better.  But, I never heard anything from the friend who's planning the cabaret.

So I feel a little put out that I go out of my way to show up for her things, but she didn't say a word to me about my birthday.  Is this a sign that she really doesn't care to have me around?

There's more meetings about the cabaret coming up.  Should I go, or should I take the hint and give it up?

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Ghost In The Machine

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Is it possible that maybe she forgot about your birthday Mz, or may have thought the camping invite was for your close friends only so she didn't show?

If you're really interested in helping out with the cabaret thing, I don't see why you shouldn't stay with it.  Maybe after the next meeting you could mention something about your birthday weekend and ask her why she didn't come.  She may have a valid reason for the no-show. 

Yeah, I'm playing Devil's advocate here, only because this happened to me a few times. 

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I think irregardless of  any  feelings either way, there just doesn't seem to be a lot of interest in people wanting to be in the caberet. So I wouldn't use my time and energy up this way...Part of all this, your birthday & the caberet meetings happening in summer, may be the  underlying issue.

-I feel kinda bad about stuff in the summer. For every 1 thing I chose to do, 3 get left behind, sometimes with the resultant bad feelings...


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The Chosen Woo

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this is why I did not answer. Their responses were much better. I have been there and still have some bitterness over the whole thing.

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I think I made it clear in the invitation that everyone was invited and to bring friends, so I don't think she would've thought she wasn't invited. And, she invited me to her birthday party at a restaurant (and I went), so I would think she wouldn't have any issue of not feeling welcome to come to mine.

I also sent a reminder with instructions and a map the day before.

Basically, I don't want to be the person that no one wants to be around. I don't want to be the person that everyone invites just to be polite and hopes they won't come.

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Grand Poobah

    



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MzHartz wrote:

I think I made it clear in the invitation that everyone was invited and to bring friends, so I don't think she would've thought she wasn't invited. And, she invited me to her birthday party at a restaurant (and I went), so I would think she wouldn't have any issue of not feeling welcome to come to mine.

I also sent a reminder with instructions and a map the day before.

Basically, I don't want to be the person that no one wants to be around. I don't want to be the person that everyone invites just to be polite and hopes they won't come.




 holy crap mz! I can't imagine anyone thinking that way of you!?cry



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Come on, I had 3 people show up for my birthday party, I can't be all that popular.

If I had the money to fly all you in, it would've been rockin'!

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Cat Scratch Diva

    



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are you really interested in the cabaret thing or were you just doing it because she is a friend? If yes...then do it anyway...it will be fun. If not....then I would just walk away and let her come back to you if she is a real friend.

I know how hurtful it can be when a friend lets you down. I have been there....it shows you who your true friends and who are fair weather friends. I would have come to your birthday weekend if I wasnt 1000 miles away. smile.gif

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Grand Poobah

    



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MzHartz wrote:

Come on, I had 3 people show up for my birthday party, I can't be all that popular.

If I had the money to fly all you in, it would've been rockin'!




 what kind of deoderant do you use?confused


 

wink



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I'm doing it more because she's a friend. I am interested in it, but it's not something that I'm super excited about.

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JD The Jazz Doctor wrote:

 

MzHartz wrote:

Come on, I had 3 people show up for my birthday party, I can't be all that popular.

If I had the money to fly all you in, it would've been rockin'!




what kind of deoderant do you use?confused


 

wink

 



LOL, I use Secret, and I use deodorant religiously.

 



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Ghost In The Machine

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MzHartz wrote:

I think I made it clear in the invitation that everyone was invited and to bring friends, so I don't think she would've thought she wasn't invited. And, she invited me to her birthday party at a restaurant (and I went), so I would think she wouldn't have any issue of not feeling welcome to come to mine.

I also sent a reminder with instructions and a map the day before.

Basically, I don't want to be the person that no one wants to be around. I don't want to be the person that everyone invites just to be polite and hopes they won't come.



I don't think anyone would invite you then hope you wouldn't come Mz!!!  Wow, that's pretty harsh if this is true. 


Is she an extremely busy person?  Do you know if she's missed things her other friends have invited her to? 





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Ghost In The Machine

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MzHartz wrote:

Come on, I had 3 people show up for my birthday party, I can't be all that popular.

If I had the money to fly all you in, it would've been rockin'!




I'm sorry this happened to you Mz and now it's making you feel this way.  cry

I saw your bulletin you posted on Myspace, and I can tell you if I lived closer to you, I would have been there.  It sounded like it would have been a blast!! smile



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She is busy, but she usually sends her regards if she can't be there.

I also think I'm usually invited to things because my husband is. She's a friend of one of Brian's friends, but Brian's friend moved out of town. And in general, Brian's the "cool" one between us, and I'm a little wallflowerish. So she may really consider herself friends with Brian and I'm just baggage. Also, the mutual friend that moved out of town is both her and Brian's best friend, so I think she's also friends with us because we're also friends with him.

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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

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Aw! I'm sorry to hear you are feeling bad and conflicted about all of this. But there's a couple things to keep in mind:

It doesn't feel good when people don't show for your celebration - I understand how it might bum you out. I've been through that - a lot of my friends travel for work and have busy schedules. Keep in mind that only a few people showing is likely influenced by 2 things:  1) Summer is a hard time to get people together, because people are making more plans for their free-time more than any other time of year...they just can't make it to it all.  2) If an invitation is very casual, people don't necessarily put it at the top of priorities. They likely don't perceive the importance to you that they come, and other commitments and events will press a casual invite into the background of weekend plans. It's usually nothing personal, and it doesn't mean they don't care about you. smile

Participation is not the measure of a friendship, but it can influence feelings. There may be a way to subtly bring up the topic with your friend and gather the information you need to put your mind at rest. Until you do, no matter what you do about the cabaret, you will not be able to put the questions and feelings you have to rest. They sit on the sidelines and wait for another instance with the firend, and the feelings will escalate. I don't think you can really understand it unless you speak to her directly about it, and no amount of analysis will give you a proven answer without this.

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Good points GG. Yes, it was a very casual invitation, and I didn't expect a whole bunch of people. And a lot of people sent their regards, so I felt better afterwards.

I think I will go to the next meeting and apologize for not coming to the last one because it was on the same day as my birthday party. She'll have to respond to that!

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Grand Poobah

    



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hey what would you do for the caberet anyhow? sing and dance?? skit?

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Nah, I'd be helping with planning. Graphic design mostly. And probably some backstage stuff.

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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

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MzHartz wrote:

Good points GG. Yes, it was a very casual invitation, and I didn't expect a whole bunch of people. And a lot of people sent their regards, so I felt better afterwards.

I think I will go to the next meeting and apologize for not coming to the last one because it was on the same day as my birthday party. She'll have to respond to that!




Yep, she sure will. But if she doesn't, since she is a friend of sorts, it isn't such a bad idea to outright say something. "I" messages rock for this. You have a lot of poise and tact, Mz...I'm sure you can do it in a way that is constructive for you both! smile



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Thumptastic: Chef of the Stars

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MzHartz wrote:

She is busy, but she usually sends her regards if she can't be there.

I also think I'm usually invited to things because my husband is. She's a friend of one of Brian's friends, but Brian's friend moved out of town. And in general, Brian's the "cool" one between us, and I'm a little wallflowerish. So she may really consider herself friends with Brian and I'm just baggage. Also, the mutual friend that moved out of town is both her and Brian's best friend, so I think she's also friends with us because we're also friends with him.



You are far from WALLFLOWERISH!!!!!!!!!!! REMEMBER WE HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU and me and web and ray  here on the forum somewhere and you are a hot momma!



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LOL, thanks Thump! I'm actually 30+ pounds lighter now than in that pic, I really need to take a new one.

I don't think I really stand out though. I'm not as plain as some, but the way I act, I don't really stand out. In groups of people I don't know that well, I usually sit back and listen, only adding a comment here and there. I don't really like being the center of attention.

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The Good Witch Of The South

    



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cry I'm sorry MZ that this troubles you. From what I know of you I am thinking that you are reading more into to it. You are great person and friend. So I can understand why you feel insecure, but feel that you should definitely not.

Try not to mix business and pleasure though. I am wondering (from my own experience) if there is not more going on with her that kept her from contacting you or showing up. Maybe she is busy, sad or has something else going on.

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Thumptastic: Chef of the Stars

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MzHartz wrote:

LOL, thanks Thump! I'm actually 30+ pounds lighter now than in that pic, I really need to take a new one.

I don't think I really stand out though. I'm not as plain as some, but the way I act, I don't really stand out. In groups of people I don't know that well, I usually sit back and listen, only adding a comment here and there. I don't really like being the center of attention.



There ya go. Youa re a great person with a big heart. and I am thrilled and blessed to have known you since I have been on this forum.



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