A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, ''Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.
__________________
Stop trying to be what you see. Be what you ought to be.
This letter came from a poor old bricklayer who had suffered an accident. He has been besieged with the bureaucracy of an insurance company in filling out the forms for a Workmen's Compensation claim. I would like to read to you a little bit of this letter that he wrote back to the insurance company.
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In Block 10 of the accident reporting form I put, 'poor planning', as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about five hundred pounds of bricks left over.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using the pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, slung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground, untied the rope, holding it tightly to assure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick.
You will note that in Block 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind, and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds. I refer you again to my weight in Block 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks. And fortunately, only three vertebrae were broken. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six floors above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope.
__________________
Stop trying to be what you see. Be what you ought to be.
A 60 yr old man goes to visit his doctor for a regular checkup.
Oldman: "DOC, you are not going to believe how good I have been feeling lately, I have a new wife and she is only 20 yrs old, and pregnant with my child!, life sure is taking a change for the better"
Doctor: " O really now?
Oldman: "Yea what do you think about that!?"
Doctor: "Let me tell you a quick story of a man I used to know, and you will then know my opinion."
Oldman: "ok"
Doctor: "I used to know a man like you, and one day he went out hunting. He got to his favorite hunting spot, and noticed that he had forgotten his gun. Right about that time a prime beaver walked into the clearing. The man knew he didnt have his gun, but decided to try something else. The man pointed his finger and said "BANG", just as he said that, a shot rang out through the woods and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
Oldman: "Well honestly I think someone else pumped a couple of stray rounds into that beaver."
Doctor:" My point exactly"
__________________
Stop trying to be what you see. Be what you ought to be.
Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
__________________
Stop trying to be what you see. Be what you ought to be.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer.
__________________
Stop trying to be what you see. Be what you ought to be.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, ''Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.
This one's great!!!!! 
