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Dylan


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Carlinism's
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Don't sweat the petty things, and dont pet the sweaty things.

Amen brother! smile

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Dylan


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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

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Dylan


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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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Dylan


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What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Dylan


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Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

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Lady Strange


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Brilliant. Completely brilliant.

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"Tell me, does it move you, Does it soothe you, Does it fill your heart and soul with the roots of rock & roll?
When you can't get through it you can listen to it with a 'na na na na', Well I've been there before"
-"Been There Before" by Hanson
WebGuy


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Don't know if its Carlin or not, but one of my favorites is:



Anyone know another word for thesaurus?




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Dylan


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Lady Strange...when I think of Carlin, I think of 2 things...
                      He really knew how to play with the English language.
                      His observations were from a slightly different
                      He made us laught and think.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

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Dylan


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WebGuy wrote:


Don't know if its Carlin or not, but one of my favorites is:



Anyone know another word for thesaurus?

He also said "what is another word for synonym"?



 



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Dylan


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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

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Dylan


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What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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Dylan


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Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

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Lady Strange


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Dylan wrote:

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?


rofl.gif



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"Tell me, does it move you, Does it soothe you, Does it fill your heart and soul with the roots of rock & roll?
When you can't get through it you can listen to it with a 'na na na na', Well I've been there before"
-"Been There Before" by Hanson
Dylan


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Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

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Dylan


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If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he naked or homeless?

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Dylan


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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

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Dylan


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One nice thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people

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Dylan


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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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Dylan


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Okay.  Now a few basic points about driving.  One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel.  They tell you to put 'em at ten o'clock and two o'clock.  Never mind that.  I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17,  Gives me an extra half hour to get where I am going.

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Dylan


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When people say "clean as a whistle"...they forget a whistle is full of spit.

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Dylan


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So far this is the oldest I've been

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Dylan


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If you live on the wrong side of the tracks but get up on the right side of the bed, do those two things cancel each other out?  Probably not.

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Dylan


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George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old  is
when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about
aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a
half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the
next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.
Even  the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like
bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're
just a  sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it,  you
REACH 50 . . .. and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
You TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I  Was
JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a  little
kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

 




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Dylan


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Why do they bother saying "raw" sewage?  Do some people actually cook that stuff?

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Dylan


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These days politicians are demanding change.  Just like homeless people.

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Dylan


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  As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

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Dylan


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I think I am, therefore, I am.  I think.

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Dylan


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Two men whose name you see alot on air conditioner dials...Norm and Nax

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Dylan


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The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity

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When a plane crashes and alot of people die, I wonder what happens to their frequent flier miles.

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