The "top 5" thread gave me an idea for this thread.
I was thinking it would be cool for the FFR guys and gals to share what traits they look (or looked for) in the people they date, dated or married.
...or date, married, date, married (you can see how many permutations this could take on)
Maybe we can all put our collective heads together and define the elusive thing called chemistry and give insights into how the opposite gender thinks.
Humor, intelligence, selflessness and happiness with who they are (not with who they want to be or who they are going to be some day).
The women in the my family seem to be really strong willed and often seem happier alone than when they've got men in their lives. I've hung around a board called quirkyalone.net before wondering if that's me - but I can't figure out if that's really authentic, that anyone would really want to be alone. I'm pretty happy by myself right now, so until that changes, I'm not in any hurry to find a second half. I think there is a part of me that thinks men are looking for a mom to take care of them, the house, etc. I can't do that. I'd be the Other Woman, but my morals won't allow it. .
My husband is intelligent, creative, eccentric and has a good sense of humor. But the reason I married him has to be that he lets me be myself. I'm a very independent woman, and he trusts me and is fine with that. He also understands me, and I'm not always an easy person to understand!
The common qualities that all my top 5 have are that they are eccentric and creative. What can I say, I love artists! Whether they be painters or songwriters or actors, I just have a weakness for creative men!
Well there are my 4 c's that I have. They are just something I have compiled after some bad recent experiences. But they are pretty materialistic - credit card, car, cell phone, and citizen (hey I live in Miami). Then there are my non-materialistic qualities - religious, funny, sexy, cares about me, someone of substance (kind of like intellectual but not in a bookish way), passionate, creative... I'm sure I could think of more but those are the main one's.
A lesson I've learned after 14 great years of marriage is that 1st you need to asses your own strengths and weaknesses, and be happy with you. Then you will have the 100% of you that you can turn into 50% of a relationship. With that knowledge, I have been able to see the "above all others trait" that I love about my wife. She didn't HAVE to be with me, she CHOSE to be with me. It was the same on my side, but after 14 years I'm thankful to say that she is my next breath. Add the two daughters and you got yourself a life!
I know what you mean WFTR. July 25th will only be our 2nd wedding aniversary, but it will also be the 7th year since we started dating. We may not be a cute-sy as we once were, but we will always be best friends. I am reminded every day how lucky I am to have him in my life.
WFTR--I second that. I have also been married 14 years. My wife and I were friends long beofre we became lovers. I have an entreprenurial spirit and so I was looking for someone that was intelligent, willing to work with me and of course would be a great wife, lover, friend and mother to my children. I knew her two years before we began to date. We datedabout eight months before I asked her to marry me. I was also lucky, when I did propose my in-laws said, well its about time. Most people do not believe me when I tell them that we have had only one fight in 14 years. I truly married the best. My wife is smart and she picks up what I do not and vice versa. We truly compliment eachother. She completes me.
My husband and I have also only ever had one fight. It was about the library parking lot. OK, verbally it was about the library parking lot, but it was really about the company he worked for going out of business, I had lost all of my employees during the busiest time of year, a scare that I might have cancer, and our dying kitten. Before the end of the night, we both realized we weren't mad at each other, we just needed to get out some pent up agression. We still laugh about it to this day. And we still disagree about the library parking lot.
My first thought was "oh, they must mean my spouse and I have only had one fight a WEEK. Oh, no? One a MONTH? No? Really? One per YEAR? No? WHAT!!!! ONE FIGHT EEEEEEEEVER!!!!"
What the heck, is one of these spouses just a brain in a jar!
One trait I love about sickening couples, and it is true, they start to look like each other! It's a trait I look for when I meet a couple as a sign of compatability. I really hope it's happening for my wife and I, but PLEASE let me change to look more like her! She's got me beat in the VA-VOOM! department.
OK, TMI file.
And not to worry, JR. My wife and I still have some good arguements! But I'll take 'em! (I think I've mentioned that she's a red-head, got'ta love 'em!)
I know it sounds sickening. But we truly have had one fight in 14 years. We disagree from time to time, but never raise our voices. She usually tells me to go play golf and then come back and talk.There was only one time when we truly screamed at each other for days. I am just lucky.
I think it has a big thing to do with your level of communication and forgiveness. What's the cliche? "Love means never having to say your sorry." And it's true. I feel like I can tell my husband anything because he will never hold it against me, and vice-versa, so we never have any reason to fight.
(And to satisfy curiousity without going into too much grisly detail, I did have some precancerous cells, but they were removed. I still have to have biopsies every six months, and I still have some abnormal cells, but nothing to be worried about so far. And the kitten didn't make it, we had to put him to sleep at 8 months old, but he's no longer suffering.)
Why don't threads even seem to stay on track? Is that the point of them? So, Dylan, what do you look for in someone? I look for someone who returns my messages. Hint hint.
It is interesting. Whether it's friendship or relationships, there just seem to be some things that always seem to matter.
I guess this topic interests me because chemistry is kind of ephemeral. Ironically, it can last forever.
I have kind of a dual nature...a logical side I cultivated in law school that has had to coinside with a creative side. The last 8 years I have been very invested in music and song writing, and its starting to pick up some momentum.
First and foremost someone has to be supportive of the things I am passionate about and right now that includes music. I am just as respectful of the things the other person enjoys. If their interests aren't the same, thats ok too. Just having the important things in common and the space to be ourselves and knowing the other person is there no matter what is HUGE.
A sense of humor and a playful side.
Intelligence. (Not necessarily a rocket scientist, but a natural curiousity)
Good conversationalist.
Faithful (nothing excuses infidelity)
Nice personality (this can make an average appearance truly beautiful).
Samuel L. Jackson once said "Personality goes along way". Ok he was talking about pigs in Pulp Fiction but its true, I don't really think looks are everything if your partner has the right personality then it just seems to work.
Dylan brought up a good point. The person should not only have similar interests, but similar passions. One of the things that united my husband and I when we were only friends and not even dating yet was a new album that was coming out. We were both so psyched about it, and I'd say that's eventually what lead to us dating.
I also have a friend who I can tell is falling in love right now. He's a musician, and his first love is his music. He's had girlfriends before who I could tell did not share his passion or were even jealous of it. (I went to one of his shows where his girlfriend talked to her friends through the entire thing!) But his current girlfriend obviously shares his passion for music, and really respects what he does. They have this chemistry between each other and I can just tell that it's working!
Ultimo, nice reference from a cool movie to make the point. Nicely done! Personality is very important. I have seen just absolute, gorgeous women reduced by their thoughts, words and deeds to very unattractive people.
Mz, you raise an interesting point, do you think it is a gradual process or do you think there is such a thing as love at first sight?
I think there can be strong attraction at first sight but you can't really love a person until you get to know them. Therefore, love at first sight is impossible.
I would agree. You can be attracted to someone, but love is more than attraction. Attractions can be short lived. If its love, there is nothing you wouldn't do for the other person. Kinda simplistic but volumes of poems, sonnets and songs were written for and about love. How many about simple attraction?
I always dated shy guys in school (with the exception of the guy that I dated just to make my father angry). I think it's because I have a very dominant personality (and I like to talk A LOT and they don't) and I didn't want someone that would think they had "control" over me. I met this guy who was kind of shy, but aggravated the heck out of me. He would tease me and call me "little girl" and things like that. We started dated (because he was, after all, a shy guy and that is what I dated). Well, he fooled me. He was only shy when he first met someone. I was hooked, fell in love and I married him. I realize now that if I had married any of the guys I dated in high school that I would have dominated them totally. It would have been one of those marriages where the wife dictates everything they say or do. I would have broken them. I have a tendency to take charge and not want to let go of the reins and I have a vitriolic temper (I'm a french german irish redhead, how scary is that?). Boy, I'm not sounding so good, here. Anyway, my husband balances that out. He's a funny, playful, caring and intelligent person. He's also a really great father and husband.
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
Trish, I think you make a good point. It would be boring if we dated carbon copies of ourselves. People are like snowflakes, everyone is different. Some are just flakes. Once we sort through the flakes, we tend to be happy with people that bring balance to our lives. It sounds like you found that.
You raise another good point, that you can't always judge a book by its cover. Trish, you are one wise lady.
I agree, you have to have someone who balances you, not someone who is just like you. Me and my exboyfriend were so much alike, we were even born on the same day (different year though). We had a really good relationship, but I started modeling my actions around what he would do, and it got to the point that it just wasn't healthy, and I subconsciously started looking at other guys.
