And finally:

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

13. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

14. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

-- Edited by confuzzed at 12:21, 2005-08-08

here is one my mother sent me

A man approached the minister at his church...."Reverend," he said, "We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"

"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the hat pin.

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin.

"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.

Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband.

Soon, Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"My God!", howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pain.

"Right again!", bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard threatening glare.

Before long, though, she again nodded off. This time however, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hat pin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"

"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.

Okay, if you didn't smile at some of those, how about these:

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passsenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their sto re, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did  so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

Our pastor told this one in church last week . . .


As the pastor was preaching his sermon, he noticed one of the members of the congretation kept dozing off.

The pastor thought he'd try to embarass the man so he said "Anyone who thinks they are going to hell, STAND UP!!!". He yelled the "stand up" part really loud in order to see if he could catch the sleepy man off guard.

It worked, when the pastor yelled "STAND UP" the man stood up, rubbed his eyes and looked around. The man then said "I don't know where we're going pastor, but it looks like it's just you and me.

Those were really ROFLMAO  Fuzzy. you are sooooooooooo corny

      GREAT THREAD !!!  

    IT WORKS FOR THOSE AT HOME TOO !   

Queenie - I loved them. Thanks. Especially that IRS one.