Last night both my girls had their boyfriends over, and my youngest daughter's guy asked if he could speak privately to me. He was very nervous and I figured something was up, but not what he had to say!
He began by explaining to me that he loves her very much, and he believes she feels the same about him. He then pulls a ring box out of his pocket, opens it, tells me it was his grandmother's ring, and he'd like permission to marry my daughter next summer after they graduate from high school.
WHAT?????!!!!!! I had to grab the kitchen counter to keep from falling over! This was a total and complete shock, not to mention surprise! Of course I knew my answer right away was going to be no, but what I told him was to let me think it over for a bit and I'd get back to him.
I didn't get a chance to speak with my daughter about this last night. I wanted to wait and let myself calm down a bit before doing so. Anyway, I don't know if she's aware of what he asked; if she is, I don't know what she said; I don't know how she feels about it; I don't know ANYTHING! So, when she gets home from school today, we are going to sit down and have a talk!
These kids both recently turned 18, have only dated each other and even then it's been on and off for the past 2 years. He has a part-time job and is talking of going to college full time once he graduates. My daughter has never had a job yet, hasn't even begun to look for one (which is ok with us right now), doesn't want to go to college right after high school (she may never decide to go...she absolutely hates school), and the last I knew doesn't have the foggiest idea what she wants to do with her life once she's out of high school. While she might be 18, she really is an immature 18 year old.....nothing wrong with that, just needs a little more time to grow up.
I, of course, have lots of logical reasons for them to NOT get married right out of high school. Their age, their lack of life experiences, their lack of dating other people, how they're going to support themselves, her immaturity for her age, all kinds of very real and important things.
I don't know if he's talked to his parents about this yet. I've never met his parents; his mom lives here in town, his dad lives in Las Vegas. I have no idea if he has talked to them and what they had to say. I can only hope they have expressed similar thoughts as my own.
As I said, this caught me totally by surprise and I WILL be sitting down later today and talking to my daughter. Holy crap!!!! I can only hope she will listen to what I have to say and decide to wait a few more years to get married.
I know they're both 18, legal adults, and don't need permission, but I think they both need to experience more of life before deciding to do this!!
Tell me about it Fuzzy! Never saw this coming. In fact, over the summer, they weren't even dating each other....they had broken up just before school ended and didn't even speak to each other.
And yeah Web, I agree; they're not ready for this. Neither one of them. And I remember what it was like to be 18......thought I could do anything, thought I knew everything....but the truth was I was wrong.
I just hope she'll listen. I've always been able to talk to my girls about everything so I'm thinking that's going to help.
Holy cow Sandy. That's huge news. I can just imagine how shocked you must have been! I give you credit for not just blurting out an emphatic "NO!" right there!
You and the girls are close, so I think she'll hear you out. You'll calmly list your points and concerns and then you guys will hopefully discuss it just like adults.
I agree that (in this day) 18 is young to be married. I don't see the harm in waiting, especially if he wants to go to college. It would be unfair to ask your daughter to support him while he is in school. Maybe after a conversation with your daughter you have one with him or even both of them.
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Stop trying to be what you see. Be what you ought to be.
Being able to talk to your daughter openly helps a ton.
But I'd advise you not to tell her no. Instead tell her, "Not yet."
And to your list of grown up reasons, add another that I think might strike closer to home for a teenager: It's no fun to get married before you're 21. Not being able to drink at your own wedding sucks. And even if it's just family who doesn't mind if she drinks, she still won't be able to have a kick ass bar hopping bachelorette party.
SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL! That is a shocker. Props to the boy for actually taking you aside and asking your permission. At least he is apparently respectful.
I definitely agree that 18 is way too young to be getting married. Love is grand, but as they say... it doesn't pay the bills. They both need to have an idea of what they want to do with their lives before they go worrying about "forever".
Best wishes to you with that. I very much remember having a similar conversation with Chris when he was about that age. It was difficult and he was so angry with me for not being supportive of the idea. Somehow though, I figured I had several good reasons to object (i.e. the plan was to move her into my house where Chris was living with me while he was going to school. Her life plan was to pump out some babies and be a stay at home mom.) . It all worked out in the long haul and he thanked me later for not making it easy on him.
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MM
That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.
Well, I talked to her when she got home from school today. I began the conversation with "Last night when Devin was over and he asked to talk to me do you know what he wanted to talk to me about?" She said no. I said "You have no idea, not even a thought about what it might've been?" Again she said "No, why? What did he want?" I started to tell her what he said, but as soon as I got to the part about him showing me the ring, she just about flipped out. She said "WHAT??? Is he CRAZY?? Does he think I'd MARRY him as soon as I graduate?? What's he thinking, that I'd be dumb enough to do that???" I said "So you had no idea he was going to ask this? He didn't talk to you about it before, didn't mention it?" She said "no, and if he would've, I'd have told him I'm way too young to even THINK about THAT!! Jeez oh man, mom, there's things I wanna do before I'd even think about that! Wait'll I see him! He's gonna hear about this!!"
She was quite angry, very upset with him. She also said "Cripe, we don't even see each other very much; yeah at school we do, but not like every day after school or every weekend like Jessie and Andrew do. God, just wait'll I see him! I'm so mad at him right now I don't even want to talk to him right now!! If he calls, tell him I'm not home." OK I can do that. So then I asked if she wanted me to talk to him or if she wanted to do it herself. She said "Oh no, I'm gonna take care of this!"
So, apparently this is something he wants more than she does. I did get her calmed down and continued talking about marriage, and what she thinks about it. She said "I think girls shouldn't get married until they're 24, 25, 26, have a good job, been out with a lot of other guys, had some fun doing what they want to do, stuff like that."
I'm so glad she doesn't want to get married next summer. What a relief!!
Wow. That is great. No arguement. Smart girl. She made most of the points you were going to list. That had to be one of the easiest conversations you ended up having with her. I'll bet he wasn't too happy after she got to him.
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Stop trying to be what you see. Be what you ought to be.
