not a dang thing else!

e-bay, talk on the phone, read the paper online.

I eBay and read the news too, but I usually don't talk on the phone during work unless it's work related. I don't even like to talk on the phone at home because I'm on the phone so much at work!

that sucks mj!

I actually had a dream one day that they moved my computer to the middle of the room and I could no longer do FF!  I was so glad it was only a dream.

But I just do this and e-mails oh and find other things to check on the internet - like my bank accounts or I just found walgreens.com.  It was amazing the old things they have on file for me.  Now I don't have to ask them if I have refills.  I can look it up.  Oh the power!!

Then Now T.Wandered aimlessly around office until you found something/someone even mildly interesting. N.Wander aimlessly around WWW until you find something remotely interesting. T.Laughed at stories about co-worker's teenager's silly exploits and imagined how great it would be to be a teen again.. N.Ogle co-worker's teenager's webcam and imagine what it would be like to be with a teen. T.Drift over to "Harry - the guy with the radio" to hear about any work time news. N.Post commentary for thousands in your blog 3 seconds after news breaks. T.Blew stuff up in the microwave. N.Watch people in Bulgaria blow stuff up in the microwave via webcam. T.Sniffed white-out. N.Lick monitor. T.Spent hours shredding stupid jokes and cartoons that friends sent via fax. N.Spend hours deleting stupid jokes and cartoons that friends send via e-mail. T.Took a book to the bathroom and enjoyed a long break. N.Install a micro-camera in the bathroom and charge $9.95 a month for voyeurs to watch co-workers take a leak. T.Harrassed ex-girlfriend by spreading rumors about her at work about her dismal performance in the sack. N.Post pictures of her dismal performance in the sack at ihatemyexgirlfriend.com. T.Hid copies of magazine inside corporate document so boss thought you were a diligent worker. N.Keep fingers on Alt-Tab to switch to that Excel spreadsheet so boss thinks you're a diligent workers. T.Talked to co-workers around water cooler about latest Welcome Back Kotter and White Shadow episodes. N.Talk to friends via ICQ about how much you hate your job. T.Figured out how many sheets of paper their stapler would go through. N.Use a ping plotter to see how many hops it takes to get to yahoo.com. T.Imagined how much more fulfilling work life would be if only you could see porn star bloopers on company time. N.Live a fulfilling life because you can watch porn star bloopers and get paid for it.

-- Edited by Sparky at 14:11, 2005-09-27

Punny Work History

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy enough.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED...

You know you work in corporate America in 2005 if...

 

1) Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
2) You get really excited about a 3% pay raise.
3) Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
4) You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
5) You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
6) It's dark when you drive to and from work.
7) Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
8) "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
9) You're already late on the assignment you just got.
10) Free food left over from meetings is on your mind to bring home at the end of your shift.
11) Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
12) Art involves a white board.
13) You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!''
14) Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
15) Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
16) Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
17) You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
18) When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone with your company's name.

Things to Do in an Office Meeting

1) Take notes in finger paint.

2) Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently.

3) At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.

4) Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, "Oh, _now_ I get it!"

5) Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: "Hey, you don't want to catch what I've got!"

6) Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.

7) Make a face like somebody beside you farted.

8) Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the _real_ reason this meeting has been called.

9) Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.

10) Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

11) Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

12) Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one.

13) Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them "doctor's orders."

14) Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she "not hurt you anymore."

14) During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

15) Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

16) Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared.

17) Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

18) Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.

19) Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting.

20) Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously.

21) Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can't help it. Start crying.

22) Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it's to "prevent the seizures."

23) Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say "It's pitiful. But what can you do?"

24) At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply.

25)Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you "so you can hear better." Gradually work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while, change your expression to a frown, sigh heartbreakingly, and begin to stare into space.

26) Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

27) Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it.

28) Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are.

29) Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that "my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings." Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.

30) Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly wrestle yourself back into your chair. Look real embarrassed. Tell everybody "My doctor's appointment is tomorrow."

31) Bring a large box of Depends to the meeting. Stow them under the conference table. Explain to a neighbor: "Just in case."

32) Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

33) Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker's. Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.

34) Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

35) Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain that it helps you concentrate.

36) When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.) 

love that sparky.

Did you make those up?

What The Job Ad Says And What It Really Means

Work processing skills essential
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Salary range $24,000- $32,000
The salary is $24,000

Civil service
This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Women and minorities encouraged
White males need not waste the stamp to apply

Top-notch communications skills
Telemarketing

Salary negotiable
We'll take the lowest bidder

Advancement opportunity
Crappy job

Entry level
Really a crappy job

No experience necessary
The mother of all crap jobs

Administrative assistant:
Crap job with a title.

Ground floor opportunity:
Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company:
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player:
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.

Upbeat personality:
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Public relations:
Receptionist

Professional appearance important:
$20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Jeans job!
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.

Will train:
Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.

B.A. required, master's preferred:
Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary

Outstanding benefits package:
Health insurance.

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.

Beautiful offices in attractive location:
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.

Secretary:
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.

Executive secretary:
The most powerful position in the company

Dedicated:
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate:
We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

Competitive salary:
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

Competitive starting salary:
Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere:
A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere:
Zombie pod people.

Fun, creative atmosphere:
Pod people from hell.

Dynamic atmosphere:
Zombie pod people from hell.

Gal Friday:
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

Self-starter:
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what

the boat floating down the coffee!!

 I worked two jobs in the mall for a while. Talk about confusing when you answered the phone!