What a waste of time and taxpayer money! Let it kill itself

BOSTON, Massachusetts (AP) -- A convicted murderer who claims he is a woman trapped inside a man's body testified Thursday about feeling distressed "every waking moment" because prison officials refuse to pay for a sex-change operation.

Michelle Kosilek, who was Robert Kosilek when he was convicted of killing his wife, Cheryl, in 1990, is suing to compel the state to allow and pay for the surgery.

Kosilek, who wore makeup and a feminine sweater with jeans to court, cried several times while describing growing up feeling like a "circus freak" trapped in the wrong body.

Kosilek broke down and sobbed when asked what will happen if state prison officials refuse to allow the sex-change operation.

"I would not want to continue existing like this," said Kosilek, who has twice attempted suicide. "The greatest loss is the dying I do inside a little bit every day."

Kosilek, 57, is serving a life sentence at an all-male prison in Norfolk, Massachusetts.

Kosilek sued the state Department of Correction in 2000, claiming that its refusal to provide the surgery violated the Eighth Amendment right against cruel and unusual punishment.

In 2002, U.S. District Judge Mark Wolf ruled that Kosilek was entitled to receive medical treatment for gender identity disorder, but stopped short of ordering a sex-change operation.

Since Wolf's ruling, Kosilek has received female hormone treatments, laser hair removal and psychotherapy. Kosilek has also been given some access to female undergarments and makeup.

But Kosilek said those treatments have not been enough to feel "normal."

"Just the hormones and the makeup do not get rid of my suffering," Kosilek said.

Prison officials say allowing Kosilek to have the sex-change operation would create serious security concerns.

If Kosilek returns as a woman to the all-male prison, she could be targeted for assault by the male inmates, prison officials have said. If she is transferred to the women's prison in Framingham, officials say they are concerned she could pose a risk to the female inmates.

"Really, the question here is ... is this really necessary medical support or is this something ... that's more discretionary?" Public Safety Secretary Robert Haas said.

"Obviously, if it is in fact more discretionary in its nature, then I don't see what the state's role is in supporting that kind of cost, or absorbing that kind of cost," Haas told The Associated Press in an interview Thursday.

Neither side has given an estimate for how much the surgery would cost.

Kosilek, who legally changed his name to Michelle in 1993, described living in a state of limbo. Kosilek wears female undergarments and can purchase lipstick at the prison commissary, but is an inmate in an all-male prison.

A psychotherapist who testified for the state said she does not believe the sex-change operation is medically necessary, as Kosilek claims.

Cynthia Osborne, a Baltimore therapist, said that when she interviewed Kosilek in prison last year, Kosilek said the female hormone shots and other treatments had improved her outlook.

"She described herself as hopeful, she denied symptoms of suicidality, she denied symptoms of depression or anxiety. These are all statements of her doing very well," Osborne said.

Kosilek opted to have the case heard by Wolf instead of a jury.

In his 2002 ruling, Wolf said the state had failed to adequately treat Kosilek's gender identity disorder. But the judge said the Correction Department had not violated Kosilek's Eighth Amendment rights because Kosilek did not prove that the correction commissioner had shown "deliberate indifference" to Kosilek's medical needs.