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Freeze-Frame Radio -> Freeze-Frame Radio Lounge -> George Carlin's Rules for 2008 (thanks to Squonk)
Post Info TOPIC: George Carlin's Rules for 2008 (thanks to Squonk)
JD The Jazz Doctor


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George Carlin's Rules for 2008 (thanks to Squonk)
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New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2 : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?


New Rule #3 : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #4 : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #5 : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #6 : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

New Rule #7 : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #8 : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #9 : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #10: I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


New Rule #11: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


New Rule #12 : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months ( e.g. 27 Months.) "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

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squonk


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New Rule #4 : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

I like that one!!

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Ruby


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I love them all! The cashier one and Chinese tat!HA

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allycat


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rofl.gif I like em!

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MzHartz


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I like them all too!

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disco strangler


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New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"


i'm so glad my daughter stopped gauging her ears and ditched the nose stud!

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Woo Hoo


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I like the cashier one and the M&M one! My husband hates those mega M&M's!

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WebGuy


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I like 8, 9, and 13 the best.

But then I don't really understand the whole tattoo thing, either so I'm a little biased.

If you are a dork and you get a tattoo, you're now a dork with a tattoo.

40 years from now, you'll be an old dork with a big dark blotch that won't wash off of your sagging, wrinkled skin.





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disco strangler


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like this?????



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WebGuy


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Yeah, like that.

Cool, or dork . . . you be the judge.




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Ruby


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Someone please take away DS's ability to post images!



BTW how did you find my hubby's pix?

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Woo Hoo


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rofl.gif  


Ruby you have the magic do you not? wink

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disco strangler


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but i'm having so much fun!

i can't decide if that's a male or female (?)

that picture is an extreme, but i do agree with web. most people do not look cool with tattoos; very few can pull it off. and what about when they get old and saggy? bleh.gif and why if they have all this "art" all over their bodies do they get offended when people stare? weirdface.gif

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MzHartz


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disco strangler wrote:

and why if they have all this "art" all over their bodies do they get offended when people stare? weirdface.gif


Precisely!!! Can I make this the quote of the year?  The same thing goes for any type of self mutation (or "expression" whatever you want to call it).  What's the point of, say, putting a giant hole in your ear, if you don't want people to look at you?

 



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Woo Hoo


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a few months ago there was a guy(i think) at the store with a really bright and tall mohawk who appeared to get mad because people were looking. So why do something like that if you don't wnat attention? Stupid

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sgmorrell


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good use of a tattoo!
redneck_pics_tattoo.jpg

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JD The Jazz Doctor


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New Rule #6 : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

love this one. I once had to leave Starbucks. Silly me for going there to try and read while these turkeys were ordering these. really loudly...


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"And like Web, I enjoy throwing JR under the bus.  Problem is, it's usually under the special bus that I ride every day". Ghostdancer 12-18-09
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