I have a dilemma and need some insight, and I was wondering if anyone wanted to be Dear Abby to me for a moment.
First, some background information. My husband and I started dating almost 7 years ago and have been married for almost 2. I've met his ex, and I like her. I've hung out with her and talked to her on the phone, and really don't mind him talking to her. (I'm really not the jealous type.) She disappeared for a little while, but she called again yesterday, which again, is perfectly fine with me. And she currently has a boyfriend who I have met before.
She called to let us know that one of my husband's friends is having a concert this Sunday night and she has tickets and backstage passes, and even if I couldn't go, she would be willing to pick him up and bring him back. OK, I'm a little suspicious that she volunteered that before I had even considered whether or not I could go, but if it were a local concert, I'd still be willing to let him go with her without me. Public place, plenty of people that know us, that'd be fine.
Here's the catch. A couple years ago my husband and I moved 200 miles away from our friends and family. So, she still lives there, and the concert is there. So, she would be traveling 4 hours down to pick him up, then he would be alone with her for 4 hours on the trip back up, then the concert will likely run late, so would she really drive 4 more hours back down that night? And if not, where would he stay, her house? And she's already said that her boyfriend has to work that night.
So, I would gladly go up with him, but the problem is that it's this Sunday and I have to work Monday morning. He knows how I feel about it, and I know I can trust him, but at the same time this is his exgirlfriend taking him 200 miles away from me. I don't know what to do, does anyone have any advice?
I would bet every penny I have that you are going to get no real help on this question because the opinions will be divided into two camps.
1) If you trust your husband then it should not be an issue.
2) It's an odd situation and in the right (or maybe wrong) situation ANYTHING can happen.
IF I were in your shoes, and assuming there are no other problems in the relationship, I would sit down with my wife and say "I don't really like the idea of you going on this trip. It's not one of your buddies, it's an ex-boyfriend, but I'm not going to stop you because I trust you. But for my two cents, I hope you don't go. However, I'm not going to be mad if you do".
The thing is, it probably wouldn't bother you as much if he were to take the trip himself and stay in a hotel, but something could STILL happen in that instance. So ultimately I think it's best to make it clear you're not comfortable with the situation, but in the end I think you've got to trust him unless he's given you reason not to in the past.
I agree with the last 2 but what do I know I have been married 15 years and still don't know when and when not to answer a question...
Seriously, Suggest he make it a guys night, Have him get a few friends together, Buy a few extra tickets that way they can share the driving and he'll be back Monday AM. If you have time, arrange to go in late Monday and go with him or offer to make them all breakfast when they get back.
This is a tough one. Even though you feel comfortable and a level of trust is there, I would still say no, unless you were with him. I do not think it would be appropriate. We have a saying here at the office--It's not that I think you would steal from the company, we just remove the opportunity and temptation.
This is indeed an awkward situation. I think the only good way to solve it is for you to go with him to the concert. Call off work on Monday if possible, or go in late if possible, or just go in normal time and be very tired that day, but I would go with him if at all possible. It's not that I don;t think you could trust him, because it sounds like you can, and I firmly believe that instances of infidelity don;t 'just happen' - if you are truly committed you make sure you don;t let yourself get into any trouble - but I guess there's something to be said for not letting your spouse get put into a difficult position in the first place. And it's probably always safe to be suspicious of the motives of an ex. Anyway, my $.02, for what it's worth....
I personaly think you have to trust him, yeah it sounds dodgy that she would drive him there and back, but even if she is up to something, if you have never had reason to not trust your husband then he will not take to kindly to your lack of trust, but ultimatley its up to you to decide, if it were me with my girlfriend then I would be very suspicious but I would let her go and have to trust her.
Well one of his friends is looking into his work schedule to see if he can go up with him. If that works out, then I am saved! If not, I'm still torn.
That's it exactly, I trust him, but I still don't want to put him in that situation. Part of this is my own insecurities as well. She was his last girlfriend before me. So what if he goes up there, sees his friends, has a good time, all without me. What if he decides he does enjoy being with her more than me? And then of course I run through all of the things that I think could make me a bad wife and make him pick her over me. Aaahhh!
Right now I'm leaning toward going with him, letting him go to the backstage party while I sleep, driving home that night and then seeing what I can do at work the next day. If I can't make it through the whole day, then I'll go home, and I don't think anyone at work would have a problem with that.
I wouldn't like the idea of one of my husband's ex-girlfriends coming 4 hours to pick him up and taking him to a concert. That just does not sound right to me. If the shoe were on the other foot, what would he do? I know my husband would never go along with that. It's one of those situations that even if he does decide to go and you say you are fine with it, you will always wonder about it and will probably bring it up at some point in time and it will become an issue between you two. Marriage and relationships are hard enough without adding to it. I don't think it is a good idea. he should understand and not expect you to be in favor of the idea.
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
Your husband should not have put you in this difficult position to begin with. I would NEVER ask my wife to allow me to go to a concert alone with another female even if it was in the same city where I live much less four hours out of town. The fact that it is his ex-girlfriend should make it even more of a no-brainer for him that he should not go.
He should put himself in your shoes and think about how he would feel if you were with your ex boyfriend on an overnight trip like that. Then realize that he should not even entertain the thought unless you can make the trip with him.
I'm wondering if this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for your husband to see his friend in this concert. If so, then I guess I could see why he'd want to go come hell or high water. If not, then I think an 8 hour roundtrip is absolutely ludicrous and am wondering why anyone is entertaining it. The fact that she's offering to pick him up might mean she's desperate not to go alone, but that kind of drive is insane, IMHO. Also, if this is where your friends and family are, why can't he drive up there and stay over with family?
All that aside, I wonder if there is maybe another issue here. Maybe you feel you are fulfilling the responsible worker spouse roll and feel resentment that he would choose to go off and party on a Sunday night until all hours, something you'll suffer for if you partake. Not only that, him asking your permission is adding to your role in this as a parent, not a partner. He should be taking your feelings into account first... I'm thinking he has thought about it, but that's it's a small voice relative to the one dressed in a toga yelling PARTY! PARTY!
I agree with Jeremy and musiccityman, but let me play devil's advocate for a second in defense of this poor husband we are now lambasting. Perhaps, he is very happy and comfortable in his marriage, would never dream of even entertaining thoughts of any kind of transgression, has no feelings whatsoever for his ex (which I would hope I could assume is true or he wouldn;t have married MZHartz), and this is a really good friend of his that is playing in this band who he would love to see again and see perform. People aren't always able to see the situation from someone else's viewpoint, and if all the above is true, he may honestly see no reason why he couldn;t go to this concert and not make anyone worried/uncomfortable.
I'd like to think that if I were him, I would consider all angles and decide not to go unless my wife could come to, and like I said, I myself think that would be the best way for him to handle this situation, but not everyone may think that way. That doesn't mean I'm right and they are wrong, it's just different people viewing things different ways, and no matter which angle you're coming from, it doesn't have to mean any of the scenarios have to lead to problems.
I just read this back to myself, and now I'm not sure if I'm even making any sense....
Oops, I coupel things I inadvertently left out: My husband cannot drive. He's had blackouts before, and even if he could get a doctor's release to drive, I wouldn't want him to.
Also, I truly think he would let me go if the roles were switched.
And this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. This friend was hit by a delivery truck and couldn't perform or drive or really do anything for years. Then, he fell into a coma and we thought we would lose him. Now, he's finally back to his original self and this is the first time he'd been able to really perform in something this big since the accident. That's why he wants to go so bad, and why him not going is really not an option.
With that extra information, I understand why he really wants to go, its clearly nothing to do with spending time with the ex, Its all about his friend and his recovery. I think you should both go, that way you both get what you want, and should have a great time in the process.
I agree with Ultimo... it does sound like a big event for everyone and worth being part of the celebration, even if it means you'll suffer at work the next day!
OK, I went along and had a great time. I was really glad that I went.
But then, just as we were leaving, I got these terrible stomach cramps. I drove home 4 hours kind of in a daze and in a bunch of pain. I've never felt pain like this before. Then, when we got back and I went to bed, I kept getting woke up because it hurt so much. And then my alarm didn't go off this morning (well, the display said it was going off, but it wasn't making any noise), so I go to work about 45 minutes late. My stomach doesn't hurt anymore, and I don't feel quite so nauseous, but man, I feel like crap today. But, if you think about it, I still would've had these problems whether or not we had went to the concert, so I'm glad we went.
