I found this on a blog and if I switch it from "sleeping late" to "trying to go to sleep at night" or "trying to go back to sleep in the middle of the night," it fits perfectly!
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Hey, dude, Im trying to sleep!

The whole point of weekends is to sleep late, right? But I cant force myself to sleep later than I do on weekdays. Perhaps thats because I get up whenever I want during the week. Yeah, suckers, thats right. I dont set an alarm, I just rooooll outta bed when the mood strikes me. The fact that its usually around 6:00 AM should do nothing to alleviate your jealousy.

So what is the trick to sleeping late, or, as some cultures say, sleeping in, on weekends? I havent mastered it. Instead, I lie there, thoughts running through my head instead of sheep. I try counting backwards, repeating a calming mantra, breathing deeply, but those thoughts, those THOUGHTS! Maybe if I list them here, you can tell me how to prevent them from ruining my weekend mornings:

1. If I lie on my left side, my achingly full bladder doesnt feel like its going to explode.
2. Prudences bite can now penetrate 4 layers of blanket.
3. Will I work out today? No. Will I work out tomorrow? No.
4. I am a fat loser.
5. How can a bunion hurt so much when its not even doing anything?
6. If I think hard enough, coffee will magically appear.
7. Dont make eye contact with Gus. His pleading give me breakfast eyes will be the end of me.
8. Apparently Black Betty will be running through my head all day.
9. Dave is such a polite sleeper, that, unless I roll over (which Im not about to do, see #1 re: bladder) I dont even know if hes still there or if hes been driven downstairs by my snoring
10. Yeah, I snore. Wanna make something of it?
11. If my soaking-wet nightgown is anything to go by, those hot flashes are back.
12. Donuts or muffins donuts or muffins donuts or muffins donuts or muffins? Croissant?
13. Did I just snore? Im awake! Can I snore while Im awake?
14. Where is the magic coffee?
15. When was the last time I washed my hair? Does it still smell like coconut?
16. Most definitely not.
17. Prudence can bite my foot as hard as she wants, Im not gettingOW!!!
18. Seriously, is Dave still over there?
19. donuts donuts donuts donuts. Oooh, maple frosted donuts donuts donuts
20. Black Betty had a child (bam-a-lam) The damn thing gone wild (bam-a-lam)
21. 100, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95OOF! How does Gus know exactly where my bladder is?
22. What if I roll over and instead of Dave, its someone ELSE? What would I do? Pretend its cool?
23. Should I buy an audiobook or get one from the library?
24. Is my library card still valid?
25. Ill just buy an audiobook.
26. If I go out for lunch, will I still be able to eat that entire frozen pizza for dinner? I cant have leftover frozen pizza in the house on a Monday. But I cant have an entire frozen pizza in the house either. Ill have to eat it all tonight, regardless.
27. Shes so rock-steady (bam-a-lam) And shes always ready (bam-a-lam)
28. I am now CONVINCED Dave is not in bed with me. Either Im alone with these two troublemaking cats or Im lying next to a stranger who is going to kill me as soon as he wakes up.
29. Why is that not motivation for me to get out of bed?
30. God, I love my pillow.
31. I feel like I could almost fall asleep . . . almost . . . almost . . .
32. Ow! Ow! OWWWW! PRUDENCE!!!
33. Oh, boy. Just wait till Prudence wants to take a nap today.
34. Are those noisemakers still in the basement?
35. DONUTS! I want six!
36. My bladders full (bam-a-lam) And that aint no bull (bam-a-lam)
37. Never EVER buy this kind of underwear again.
38. La la la la . . . Im asleep . . .
39. Dammit! I just looked at Gus. No one can look at his feed me face and turn away. Its all over. Im up.