Heard any good clean jokes lately? - Freeze-Frame Radio

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

Heard any good clean jokes lately?

ray925 · Darth Raydar

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Bub, why the long face?"

A giraffe walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Longneck?" The giraffe says, "What are you some kind of a smart-a**."

A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says. "Sorry we don't serve food here."

All bad jokes, all the time. I'll be here all week be sure to tip your waiter or waitress!

WFTR · Prophet of the Posts

OH, Dylan, Dylan, Dyaln. What have you done. This thread will bring out the WORST in me.

Here goes:

Two Italians go down to the harbor to tour a Navy submarine. They start at opposite ends and meet in the middle. One says to the other, "Eh, cupadre! Dis a U-Boat?" The other replies, "No, I just-a look."

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Eleph-ino!

A lawyer, a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and yells, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Three guys walk into a bar, the fourth gut ducks.

Sssssssombody STOP me!

confuzzed · Permanent State of Confusion

Here are some silly ones:

How do you get into a locked cemetary? Use a skeleton key.

Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Who was bigger? The baby, because he was a little Bigger.

Three men are standing under an umbrella. No one gets wet. Why? Because it is not raining.

Please, I am full of these things. They are so plain and simple, that you just have to smile.

Zim · Chairwoman Of The Board

THREE WISHES...

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said ,"That would be okay", and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world...

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that woman will flock to him...".

The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me...".

So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you...".

The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine...".

So, poof - she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack..."

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

A quiet unassuming man owns a parrot that swears like a sailor. It can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating itself.

The guy gets fed up with the foul language and one day grabs the parrot by the throat and yells "quit it".

This only angers the bird and he swears even more. So the man decides to punish the bird by putting him in the freezer. There is a terrible din. The man hears kicking and clawing and thrashing for several minutes and then it goes quiet.

The man is concerned, thinking maybe the parrot injured itself. He opens the door and the paarrot hops on his arm. The bird says, "terribly sorry for the trouble I caused you. I will do what I can to clean up my language. By the way, What did the chicken do?"

murscclub · Chairman Of The Board

> >             Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes
> >
> >             We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
> Today,
> >you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some
> >radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological
> >points:
> >
> >             (1) There is no need to panic.
> >             (2) We could all be killed.
> >
> >             Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
> Louisiana.
> >If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do
> to
> >prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
> >
> >             Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this
> >simple
> >             three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
> >
> >             STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your
> family
> >for at least three days.
> >
> >             STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
> >
> >             STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
> >
> >             Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not
> >follow this
> >             sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in
> >Louisiana.
> >
> >             We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
> >preparedness items:
> >
> >             HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have
> >hurricane
> >             insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to
> >get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
> >
> >             (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
> >
> >             (2) It is located in Nebraska.
> >
> >             Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana,
> or
> >any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
> >companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then
> >they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why
> they
> >got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to
> >scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual
>
> >premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any
> >moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane
>
> >George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies.
> This
> >week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a
> policy
> >which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are
> >entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
> >
> >             SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all
> the
> >windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the
> >toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
> >disadvantages:
> >
> >             Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make
> them
> >yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them
> >yourself, they will fall off.
> >
> >             Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well,
>
> >once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all
> >up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
> >
> >             Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very
> easy
> >to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that
> >you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
> >
> >             "Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
> >hurricane
> >             protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can
> >withstand
> >             hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the
> salesman
> >says so. He lives in Nebraska.
> >
> >             Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane
> approaches,
> >check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
>
> >furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw
> >these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool,
> you
> >should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will
> >turn these objects into deadly missiles.
> >
> >             EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you
> should
> >have an
> >             evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live
>
> >in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says
> "Louisiana,"
> >you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route
> is
> >to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you
>
> >will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home,
> >along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will
> >not be lonely.
> >
> >             HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a
> >mess of
> >             supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires
> >that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket
> >and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of
> >SPAM.
> >
> >             In addition to food and water, you will need the following
> >supplies:
> >
> >             23 flashlights, at least $167 worth of batteries that turn
> >out, when
> >             the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the
> flashlights.
> >
> >             Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
> knows
> >what the
> >             bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
> >
> >             A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
> >
> >             A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
> >useless in a
> >             hurricane, but it looks cool.)
> >
> >             A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
> >(Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be
>
> >irate alligators.)
> >
> >             $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
> >passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
> >
> >             Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane
>
> >draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the
> situation
> >by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
> >stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
> >important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
> >
> >             Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.....!
> >

murscclub · Chairman Of The Board

> >For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
> >For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
> >For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
> >For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
> >
> >The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've
> >learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
> >
> >1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4
> >inches deep.
> >
> >2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
> >blades, they can ignite.
> >
> >3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
> >
> >4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
> >enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
> >cape; It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
> paint
> >on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
> >
> >5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
> using
> >a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
> >you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
> >
> >6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by
> a
> >ceiling fan.
> >
> >7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
> >late.
> >
> >8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
> >
> >9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
> 36-year
> >old man says they can only do it in the movies.
> >
> >10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
> >
> >11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
> >
> >12. Super glue is forever.
> >
> >13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
> >walk on water.
> >
> >14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
> >
> >15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
> they
> >do.
> >
> >16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
> >
> >17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
> >
> >18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
> >
> >19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
> like
> >ovens.
> >
> >20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
> >
> >21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
> >
> >22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
> >
> >23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
> >
> >24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
> >
> >One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
> >Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
> >was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
> >"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
> >and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
> >house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
> >that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he
> >said...'Holy sh_t! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for
> the
> >next 10 minutes.
> >
> >25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
> >

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

Ahh, Murscclub,

after reading your joke about kids, I just have one question...

"How long does it take for eyebrows to grow back"?

(Clorox and brake fluid....who knew it wasnt an urban myth)

Dovetails · Living Legend

Avoid constipation and hair loss: Link

Trish · The Procrastinating Red-Head

Here's my daughter's favorite joke:

What do you get when you cross a cow with an earthquake?

A milkshake!

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

A baby seal walks into a club...

Ultimo · King of the Ring

I was on my way to a fancy dress party when I passed my mate john who was carrying some strange woman on his back, I said "what are you going as?", he said "Im going as a tortoise" ...then I said "whose the woman on your back?" and he said "that's Michelle"!

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

Mz

I hate to admit it , but this struck me as funny

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

That one took me a minute until I said it out loud.

Ultimo · King of the Ring

I have to admit I stole my joke from the best comedian in Britian, Peter Kay, if you havent heard of him you should check him out, pure genius!!!

Peter Kay!

-- Edited by Ultimo at 11:08, 2005-05-10

ray925 · Darth Raydar

Dylan,

Your reply to Mz cracked me up. That's comedy!

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

Ultimo,

That joke was right up my alley, This kay fella may be worth a look.

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

Ray,

Thank you.

I'll be here all week, 2 shows nightly

Ultimo · King of the Ring

He is, trust me, only problem is, alot of his stuff is very British!

WFTR · Prophet of the Posts

All you designers/engineers will like this one.

A politician, a preacher, and an engineer are playing a round of golf. They are getting very angry because the foursome in front of them are taking way too long to play, hitting the ball everywhere and wandering around in a very strange way. The three of them stop the pro as he drives by and ask him, "Is there anything you can do about these guys? They're ruining our round!".

"Oh, no, I'm afraid not." replys the pro, "You see, those four men are firefighters who lost their sight fighting a big fire in our club house last year. They play for free whenever they want."

"Truly inspiring!" says the politician, "I'm going to introduce a bill at our next session to name an official holiday for these men!"

"Deeply moving." says the preacher, "I'm going to dedicate my next sermon to these men and have the whole congregation pray for them."

Then the engineer says, "Why don't they just golf at night?"

-- Edited by WFTR at 11:41, 2005-05-10

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

A plane took off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain came on to make an announcement.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 239, non-stop from New York to Los angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth . uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and, OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you earlier; but while I was talking, the flight attendant spilled a hot cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants."

A passenger in coach said, "Thats nothing, you should see the back of mine!"

Trish · The Procrastinating Red-Head

That was a good one! I wish I could share some jokes, but I work mostly with retired Army guys, so the jokes I hear are not good, clean jokes (for the most part). A great bunch of guys, though.

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

Trish,

If you can get em past the censor, ie Jeremy, go for it. It may be a challenge. Think of it as a game.

jstdve · CEO - The KOTO Co.

a horse walks into a bar , the bartender looks up and says; hey , why the long face ?

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging closer and closer. The mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let us put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now, Let us spray!"

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

Ladies and gentleman,

Hobos and tramps,

Bug eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants,

Im about to tell you a story Ive never heard before.

So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

Admission is free so pay at the door.

One fine day in the middle of the night,

two dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policman heard the noise and came and saved the two dead boys.

If you don't believe my lies are true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

murscclub · Chairman Of The Board

"I see" said the blind man,

"No you don't" said the deaf man,

and the guy with no feet kicked them both in the shin....

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

Nice add on Murscclub. By the way, that bit on children you posted was hilarious. I had milk shooting out of my nose while reading that one.

murscclub · Chairman Of The Board

My wife shot soda through her nose last week laughing at something cute our twins did! That's gotta burn...