Heard any good clean jokes lately? - Freeze-Frame Radio

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

RE: Heard any good clean jokes lately?

Trish · The Procrastinating Red-Head

Dylan, that reminded me of something from 3rd grade. I don't remember the whole thing, but it starts out...Ladies and Germs, I stand before you to sit behind you to tell you something I know nothing about.

That's all I can remember. 3rd grade was WAY too long ago!

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

Trish,

If you remember me for nothing else. remember me for this...

We are only young once, but we can be immature forever.

Dovetails · Living Legend

A very rich man was getting sick and knew he was going to die. He decided that he would convert all his cash into gold and figure out a way to take it with him.

When he died, he showed up that the Pearly Gates with a wheel borrow full of his gold. He ws begging and pleading St. Peter to let him in to heaven and still keep his gold. They argued and discussed it for hours. Peter looked at the man's records and saw that he really had been a good steward of his money so he told the man that just this one time, he could take his gold to heaven.

As the man went in, the gate slammed closed behind him. He had just started pushing his gold down the street when Jesus came running up to him. Jesus said "John! it is so great to see you! . . . but, umm . . . why did you bring pavement?"

Dovetails · Living Legend

Did ya hear about the dyslexic athiest? He didn't believe in dogs.

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

Trish and Dylan, Sammy Hagar has something like that on one of his newer songs too. It also has something like, "This is a women's meeting for men only..."

Sparky · Phat Cat EL Presidente

My mom always told me there was a weirdo on every bus, I could never find him...

Sparky · Phat Cat EL Presidente

Dedicated to Ultimo

After Great Britain's Beer Festival...

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.

The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please."

The bartender gives him one.

Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"

The Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Sparky · Phat Cat EL Presidente

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

star · The Goddess Of Gab

Sparky-

That is fricken' hilarious!! I want to do that! I bet you've done at least two of those.

D-

This thread is hilarious. Better than fighting w/ WufTur.

star · The Goddess Of Gab

Here's my favorite joke of all time:

A string walks into a bar and the bartender says "we don't serve strings in here, take a hike!"

So he tries the next bar, same response! He was like "what is it w/ this town?"

Then he gets an idea. He goes in to the alley and ties himself into a knot and messes up his hair.

He goes back into the first bar and disguises his voice "pardon me, sir, may I have a refreshing beverage?" The bartender looks him up and down rather perplexed.

"Aren't you that string that was just in here" the bartender says.

the string quite seriously replies, "I'm a frayed knot. (afraid not)"

********************

That is my favorite joke. Hence the only one I ever remember.

-- Edited by star at 07:28, 2005-05-24

Sparky · Phat Cat EL Presidente

Star, I started reading these and said, yah did that one and that one and...

It hit home pretty well.

ray925 · Darth Raydar

Star -

I can see why that's your favorite. I like those jokes that make people cock their head to the side, frow their brow, and moan when they get it.

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

Nice one Star

JennyCat · Living Legend

I don't get the joke from Ultimo. help.

jstdve · CEO - The KOTO Co.

a guy starts a new job at a bar ,the regular barkeep says he'll stick around to help as they have an unusual clientel. Soon a guy comes in , smacks the bar and holds up a finger. whats that mean ? says the newbie . oh, says the reg. keep ,.he's a deaf mute and he's telling you he wants a beer , 1 smack = beer. No problem says the newbie. soon another guy comes in and smacks on the bar and holds up 2 fingers. whats that mean ? asks the newbie ? oh , hes a deaf mute too , says the reg. keep , and he's telling you he wants whiskey. 2 smacks = whiskey. No problem says the newbie , i can handle this. For the next few hours everything goes well , smack 1 finger =beer , smack 2 fingers =whiskey. then all of a sudden , smack smack smack smack smack and all the fingers are in the air .What in the heck does that mean? asks the newbie , to which the reg keep replies ; oh , you got em drunk and now there singing !!

Dovetails · Living Legend

quote:
he said "Im going as a tortoise" ...then I said "whose the woman on your back?" and he said "that's Michelle"!,

JC -

"Michelle" = "Me Shell"

WFTR · Prophet of the Posts

Here's one:

A young Pastor right out of seminary gets his first assignment in a small town church. The lead Pastor welcomes him and lets him know that the new guy gets to clean the church attic, as an initiation. The young Pastor is good hearted and digs into the task. When he's finished he goes to the lead Pastor's office to tell him he's done.

"Did you find anything interesting?" asked the older Pastor.

"Well, I did find this really old Bible. It was made by Gitten, Gotten, something like that." replied the young man.

"Guttenburg!" exclaimed the senior, "What did you do with it?"

"Oh, I threw it out." said the junior.

"You threw out a Guttenburg Bible! How could you?"

"Oh, don't worry!" said the young Pastor, "It was all messed up anyways. Some guy named Martin Luther had scribbled all over it."

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

OK, while we're on church jokes:

A new priest was so afraid of delivering his first sermon that he couldn't even speak. So he asked one of his collegues for help. The other priest told his to keep a glass of whiskey up next to his water, and whenever got nervous, to take a sip.

So the priest got through his first sermon, and thought he did well, but he had a note waiting for him with some tips on how he could do better next time:

"First, sip the whiskey, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There were 12 disciples, not 10.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

We do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as, 'The late JC and the boys.'

Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not, 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.'

The recommended grace before meals is not, 'Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!'

And finally, it's th Virgin Mary, not Mary with a Cherry!

JennyCat · Living Legend

OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jeeze, i still didn't get it. now i do... that's funny.

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

Mz, friends dont let clergy preach drunk

Ultimo · King of the Ring

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman
slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near
the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she
was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver
insulted me." She fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why,
he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult
passengers." "You're right." She said, "I think I'll go back up
there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea."
The man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Dylan · Leader Of The Banned

If a man speaks in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

If a tree falls in the woods, lands on a Mime, and kills him, does anyone care?

Ultimo · King of the Ring

Poor "Mime" artist!!! what did he do!

WFTR · Prophet of the Posts

Hey, Ultimo!

Knock, knock!

Ultimo · King of the Ring

Who's there?

WFTR · Prophet of the Posts

Isabell!

Ultimo · King of the Ring

Isabell who?

WFTR · Prophet of the Posts

Isa-bell a-workin'? I had to Knock, knock!