*ring* *ring*

"Hello! Local ISP, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hello? Tech-support? Uh, yes, I have service with you and...uh,
well, I don't know what program I'm using, but it's not working."

Support: "Okay. What are you trying to do?"

Cust: "I don't know. I want the Internet."

Sup: "...Rrright. Are you..."

Cust: "Well, do I need the modem?"

Sup: "Yes. You need the modem. Now, are you..."

Cust: "And what kind of cable do I need for that? The one in the modem
box should work, shouldn't it?"

Sup: "Yes yes, that's right. Uh, is the modem hooked up?"

Cust: "Yes. I think so."

Sup: "Okay then. Now listen, are you..."

Cust: "And does the modem need to be on?"

Sup: "...Yes, the modem needs to be on. Are you..."

Cust: "I don't understand why this doesn't work. I put your disks in my
computer, but I don't have the Internet."

(beat)

Sup: "Do you have a gun?"

Cust: "A gun? Yes I do, right here."

Sup: "Good. Put the gun to your head."

Cust: "Is a pistol okay? I don't know what caliber it is."

Sup: "I'm certain it will be just fine. Is the gun to your head?"

Cust: "Yes."

Sup: "Good. Now pull the..."

Cust: "Wait, let me switch sides, the phone is in the way."

Sup: "Fine, okay. Now pull the trigger."

Cust: "The what?"

Sup: "The trigger! The hook-shaped thing in front of the handle."

*BLAM*

"Now what?"

Sup: "...um...I'm sorry, did you point the gun at your head?"

Cust: "OH! No, sorry, I was looking at the gun to find the trigger. Ha
ha ha."

Sup: "Okay, look, point the gun at your head, then pull the trigger
WHILE IT'S POINTED AT YOUR HEAD."

Cust: "Okay, hang on..."

*click*

Sup: "ARGH. Is the gun loaded?"

Cust: "Loaded?"

Sup: "ARE THERE BULLETS IN THE GUN?"

Cust: "Yes. There is one bullet."

Sup: "OKAY. Set the gun to fire the bullet. Put the gun to your head,
then pull the trigger, okay?"

Cust: "I've never configured a gun before."

Sup: "Just turn it so that the bullet is at the top."

*click*

Sup: "Is the bullet in the gun the one you just fired?"

Cust: "Can't you use the same bullets? I didn't know I was going to have
to buy more hardware..."

Sup: "Okay, forget the gun. Do you have a knife?"

Cust: "Yes, right here."

Sup: "Good good. Put the knife to your stomach."

Cust: "Should I open the knife first?"

Sup: "YES!!! Of COURSE the knife has to be open!"

Cust: "Well, I've never actually used this knife before. My brother gave
it to me for Christmas last year and well...how about a Salad Shooter?"

Sup: "Okay, forget the knife. How about sleeping pills, do you have
sleeping pills?"

Cust: "Yes, right here."

Sup: "GOOD. This should be easy. You'll need the whole bottle, but you
want to take them in small groups so that..."

Cust: "I can't get the bottle open."

Sup:  Don't you ever use these things?!?
I thought these were your sleeping pills."

Cust: "Well, my daughter is the one who opens the bottles. She's not
home, though. She's at work."

Sup: "FORGET IT then. S#$%...okay...how high up are you? Which floor do
you live on?"

Cust: "We live on the 27th floor, apt. 2712 in the Murdock Building on
Hampton Street in the Theater District just south of..."

Sup: "OKAY! That's good. Go to the window and open it."

Cust: "I've got Windows95. Will that work?"

Sup: "It's...appropriate, yes. But I want you to go to the window in
your wall."

Cust: "Okay, I'm at the window. How do you open the..."

Sup: "JUST BREAK THE WINDOW! Use your computer. Throw your computer
through the window."

*CRASH tinkle tinkle*

Cust: "Some glass got on the floor."

Sup: "That's okay, just fine, you won't need the floor when we're done.
Now, want you to jump out of the window."

Cust: "Okay. I'm going to throw the phone out first and then ask you
where I should jump."

Sup: "NO! WAIT!"

*CRASH*

Sup: "Hello?...Hello?...eeeuuurrrrrgh."

*click*

*ring*

Sup: "Yes...tech...support."

Cust: "Yes, hello, I think something's wrong with my phone."

(two beats)

Sup: "Do you have a gun? And do you know how to use it?"

Cust: "Yes, right here, I've used it many times."

Sup: "Good. Let's get started..."