So it's Monday - Freeze-Frame Radio

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

So it's Monday

confuzzed · Permanent State of Confusion

Morning all. The boss has returned to his normal space a few states away from me. I can get back into a rhythm now. There is a lot to do, so off I go.

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

confuzzed wrote:
Morning all. The boss has returned to his normal space a few states away from me. I can get back into a rhythm now. There is a lot to do, so off I go.

Good luck Fuzzy. I'll drink a bot-... glass of wine tonight for you.

disco strangler · Smiles everyone, smiles!

I will cheer you on by the sidelines smile I'm techno-challenged and still do things the way of the ancients wink

We have been having some awesome weather in the 50's and 60's. It makes me yearn for spring, but we still have to get through February and most likely ice storms.

Fuzzy, I have completed my December billing (Yay me!); W-2's have been mailed! (Yay OFFICE PEEPER!); and all my files have been boxed (Yay me, again!). Sooo... Now I can be at your service smile

WebGuy · Doesn't Do Windows

Howdy.

By following the advice of my counselor, I was finally able to get my wife to talk to me this weekend . . . and she unloaded. Most of it, she was absolutely correct about. Some of the long time resentment, I don't understand because somewhere along the line, the rules changed and she didn't let me know. The most recent stuff, she doesn't understand that it is largely due to both conscious and subconscious responses to her actions with this other dude. I didn't argue, defend, blame shift, or try to explain anything which let her get it all out. Maybe now that I know where I stand, we can move on and rebuild on what is left. We'll see.

Mz, JR will be so proud of you. I bet that post will bring a tear to his eye.

Work on.

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

I'm sure that was hard, Web. But it sounds like you're finally able to make some progress, even if it is just baby steps. Good luck.

disco strangler · Smiles everyone, smiles!

I imagine it must have felt like a cleansing on both y'alls part, Web. Hopefully this has opened the lines of communication and the healing can begin.

Y'all were on my mind this weekend and I am sending areo-prayers for the Web family.

confuzzed · Permanent State of Confusion

disco strangler wrote:
Fuzzy, I have completed my December billing (Yay me!); W-2's have been mailed! (Yay OFFICE PEEPER!); and all my files have been boxed (Yay me, again!). Sooo... Now I can be at your service

Good job by you two. I am starting the use tax stuff. I am making my way through the monthly data now. Maybe I can be finished with that by time you arrive. We will have 25 monthly (24 states, 1 local), four quarterly and 16 annual (10 states, 6 locals) returns to complete.

WebGuy · Doesn't Do Windows

I just called the counselor back and talked to him for a bit. I told him what all she unloaded. He said that he thinks these things are still mostly secondary, outside issues that she is pointing at to blame for internal things, BUT it was good she was able to get some of it out.

I kind of find this psychology stuff fascinating, especially in how similar we all really are deep down. The counselor said that probably about 1/2 of the people he sees for marriage issues are nearly exactly, line-by-line the same thing I am dealing with.

This is only about me, but one of my biggest problems is that I stuff things. If I get angry, I stuff it away. If I'm sad, I stuff it away. If I get hurt, I stuff it away. Most of my feelings and emotions get stuffed away. The counselor said "I imagine that even with your personal belongings, you stuff them away?" I laughed and said "Yeah, I do." He said something on Friday though, that as I thought about later, it described me perfectly in where I'm at today. He put his hands together to make a circle and said "One of the results of stuffing is that as you stuff more and more, you actually get smaller and smaller" as he closed that circle down into a tight fist. As I thought about that later, I hadn't realized it, but that described me perfectly. I do feel like my world is getting smaller and smaller and smaller. For the most part, I avoid people because eventually, most people give me things that have to be stuffed. The more I avoid real connections with people, the smaller I get. I see now that it's a cycle I've been on for a long time. Now how to break that, I don't know. That is what the next meeting will be about on Thursday.

I think this latest problem between my wife and I was so big that when I stuffed it, there was no more room and it caused me to start shutting down in general, which made the situation even worse.

As I learn how/why some of this stuff works, I think it will help me learn to deal with it better.

super88dan · Senior Member

Yep, Monday. Should be Sunday II. Three day weekends are awesome, even when you are not employed.

Hartz, exercise has always been a game. We just got older and decided we would pay to play. (and pay the next day sometimes!)

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

super88dan wrote:
Yep, Monday. Should be Sunday II. Three day weekends are awesome, even when you are not employed.
Hartz, exercise has always been a game. We just got older and decided we would pay to play. (and pay the next day sometimes!)

Being an adult sucks. I want a lunch time and then an hour for recess. I want to set up a baseball game in the yard. I want to take turns jumping through a rope held by two other people. Where we used to have to take time out of playing to go to school or do chores, now we have to take time out of working and doing chores to go play.

super88dan · Senior Member

Still goofing off. Lack of snow is cramping my snow fort business this season. That just means riding, running etc. I've been able to spray paint outside this winter. That's awesome.

disco strangler · Smiles everyone, smiles!

Fuzzy, should I bring my own adding machine?

Mz, I want to play kickball... No, dodgeball! Yeah, with some of my coworkers

Web, I'm a stuffer too and so is Mr. DS. That's probably why we don't argue. One of these days it'll probably blow up in our faces

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

Okay, that's it, who's coming over to my house for a game of FFR kickball?

(I'm only playing dodgeball if Fuzzy is on my team. I don't think I'd want to be on the receiving end of one of her attacks, especially as tax season approaches...)

Mad Mema · Bad Biker Granny

Good day, all. And it is actually a good day in my world! I got an e-mail today from a guy who works at the company that we contract our routing database through, asking me if I had heard that a certain individual in one of the groups I support is getting a new job. I had not heard that, but after a bit of inquiry it turns out to be true.

This particular individual has been giant source of irritation to most of the people I work with, including the guy who sent me the e-mail. She is one of those fundamentally incompetent individuals who blames everyone else for her failure to succeed. Only 4 more days of having to deal with this particular jerk. I can barely contain my jubilation!! Yes, we are in fact planning a celebratory party for next week.

Otherwise, it is kind of a slow day thus far. I have one or two things to look into, but nothing really major. It is sunny and presently 45*, and I will have the house to myself tonight! And while I was typing all of this out, I got an e-mail from my boss forwarding on an e-mail he got from one of our vendors telling him how much I rock. Turning out to be a wonderful day!

I'm down with dodgeball or kickball, either one. Count me in.

Web, I used to be one of those people who internalized everything. I thought that if I was just nicer, or more patient, or more loving, or more understanding that things would certainly improve. Clearly, that was not the case. What it did was erode what self-respect I did have. Like I suggested in a previous post... this radically and unexpectedly changed one day. This is one of those things about me that I'm not always sure is a good thing, but I do know it is much better for my mental health to not internalize all of that. I'm glad you are getting some immediate benefit out of your counseling session. I hope that continues for you.

Everybody, have a great day.

super88dan · Senior Member

at least some flag football. Horse maybe? I'm starting work on a different backboard. Not sure what the final print will be.

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

super88dan wrote:
at least some flag football. Horse maybe? I'm starting work on a different backboard. Not sure what the final print will be.

I used to like playing basketball, but I fit into the basketball crowd... well, like a short round white girl amidst a bunch of basketball players.

I never really got into flag football, there was always a disagreement on when the flag was pulled. I think I'd rather be tackled. I've never played rugby, I think I might like that more.

Mad Mema · Bad Biker Granny

I have fond memories of flag football in high school. We had a junior girls versus senior girls game every year. The senior girls always won. Sadly, my senior year was the last time year for this wonderful tradition. I shouldn't laugh but 3 people ended up in the emergency room after the game, mostly from self-inflicted injuries.

confuzzed · Permanent State of Confusion

I'm ready for whatever we are going to play.

Thanks Mz, it is nice to be wanted (even if it is only to ensure the self preservation of others). Don't forget, I am a soccer player so I kick well too. Goalkeepers are a bit on the crazy side.

Web - you aren't alone. I do the same thing. Goes way back to early childhood. I grew up in that environment where you don't talk about things. I still don't do much of it. Apparently my sisters have learned to do that. I think one of them has gone through some counselling lately. I don't think I could do it. I am very good at being angry and even holding a grudge. And when I'm not in an okay place I want nothing to do with anyone. I feel it protects me and those around me to stay away and not engage in anything. I don't want to inadvertently explode on the wrong person. I know it isn't right or fair so I just stay away until I am ready to reengage. Sadly, I am much better than I used to be. I think the death of my father over 11 years ago freed me from a lot of it, but it still hangs around. Maybe when you are all fixed you can the rest of us that are still broken.

You accept forum money

for payment, right?

M - we already knew you rocked.

All someone had to do is ask.

DS - Since everything is laid out in Excel, I don't think you'll need the adding machine but do bring your visor.

WebGuy · Doesn't Do Windows

confuzzed wrote:

Web - you aren't alone. I do the same thing. Goes way back to early childhood. I grew up in that environment where you don't talk about things. I still don't do much of it. Apparently my sisters have learned to do that. I think one of them has gone through some counselling lately. I don't think I could do it. I am very good at being angry and even holding a grudge. And when I'm not in an okay place I want nothing to do with anyone. I feel it protects me and those around me to stay away and not engage in anything. I don't want to inadvertently explode on the wrong person. I know it isn't right or fair so I just stay away until I am ready to reengage. Sadly, I am much better than I used to be. I think the death of my father over 11 years ago freed me from a lot of it, but it still hangs around. Maybe when you are all fixed you can the rest of us that are still broken. You accept forum money for payment, right?

Sorry, but I'm not sure I'm going to do all that well myself. There is no way I'd be able to fix anyone else. I just hope to be able to learn how to not stuff things away so bad.

It was the same way in my house, no one talked about feelings or emotions. People got mad, and you let them get over it. Dad blew up and stormed off and mom would brood for days. Emotionally, I now see that I am my mom, and I married my dad. I don't want to be like either one of them.

confuzzed · Permanent State of Confusion

WebGuy wrote:
I don't want to be like either one of them.

Me either. It is another reason on a long list of why I do not want to have children. I never want to inflict on my children what happened to me along the way.

disco strangler · Smiles everyone, smiles!

We live life forward and understand it backwards.

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

confuzzed wrote:
Me either. It is another reason on a long list of why I do not want to have children. I never want to inflict on my children what happened to me along the way.

Same here. I'm sure it's hard enough for Brian to live with me, my kids would be scarred for life. Although, I think it's strange, that although I grew up with my mom and stepdad, I think personality-wise, I'm more like my dad. The ways that I'm not can be my stepdad's influences, which is not a good thing.

Jeremy Riggs · 2011 Super Bowl Champions!

I also got my iPad on Friday! I love it! I used the iPad all weekend and didn't even touch my computer.

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY MZ,

-- Edited by Jeremy Riggs on Monday 9th of January 2012 04:19:23 PM

disco strangler · Smiles everyone, smiles!

My mom was emotionally unavailable; so was my grandma with her.
My mom once told me that she didn't feel like her mother loved her.
I wanted to confide in her that I felt the same way, but I didn't; and I won't.

Y'all are the only people I've told this to.

confuzzed · Permanent State of Confusion

I know nothing.

We have each other. That'll do. :)

Mad Mema · Bad Biker Granny

Makes you wonder if anyone grew up in a "Leave it to Beaver" family.

Donald (my father) was a mentally unstable alcoholic. He was definitely not very "dad-like". His primary form of communication was to berate us. One did NOT display any form of weakness in his presence, particularly crying (ultimate weakness per Donald). On the up side, I can take a severe arse chewing without flinching, largely predict the behavior of crazy people, and disarm a grown man before he knows what happened.

My mom was pretty well beaten down by life by time I was about 11. She fundamentally quit parenting me, though she didn't actually admit it to me until I was 15. It was pretty apparent all along, but that was when she felt she had no choice but to formally resign with the exception of her fiduciary / housing responsibilities. She has been much better about trying to be mom-like in the last 10 years or so, but is still clearly uncomfortable with that. Her main answer when she feels like she is failing me in some way is to give me money. It is from her that I learned to internalize, and to always try to fix things for others regardless of the cost to myself. On a brighter note, I also learned to be rather independent.

Yes, they are why I never had children of my own. I was afraid of what kind of parent I would have been. Ironically, my step-kids say I'm a great mom... but you would have to meet my 'competition'. Their standards are fairly low.

WebGuy · Doesn't Do Windows

disco strangler wrote:
My mom was emotionally unavailable; so was my grandma with her.
My mom once told me that she didn't feel like her mother loved her.
I wanted to confide in her that I felt the same way, but I didn't; and I won't.

Y'all are the only people I've told this to.

When my mom was dying of cancer, mom's sister (my aunt) tried to get their mom (my grandmother) to tell mom "I love you". I sat and watched dumbfounded as grandma tried, but just couldn't do it.

super88dan · Senior Member

Jeremy Riggs wrote:
I also got my iPad on Friday! I love it! I used the iPad all weekend and didn't even touch my computer.

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY MZ,

-- Edited by Jeremy Riggs on Monday 9th of January 2012 04:19:23 PM

Sounds personal.

MzHartz · Permanent Vacation

Mad Mema wrote:
Makes you wonder if anyone grew up in a "Leave it to Beaver" family.

Donald (my father) was a mentally unstable alcoholic. He was definitely not very "dad-like". His primary form of communication was to berate us. One did NOT display any form of weakness in his presence, particularly crying (ultimate weakness per Donald). On the up side, I can take a severe arse chewing without flinching, largely predict the behavior of crazy people, and disarm a grown man before he knows what happened.

My mom was pretty well beaten down by life by time I was about 11. She fundamentally quit parenting me, though she didn't actually admit it to me until I was 15. It was pretty apparent all along, but that was when she felt she had no choice but to formally resign with the exception of her fiduciary / housing responsibilities. She has been much better about trying to be mom-like in the last 10 years or so, but is still clearly uncomfortable with that. Her main answer when she feels like she is failing me in some way is to give me money. It is from her that I learned to internalize, and to always try to fix things for others regardless of the cost to myself. On a brighter note, I also learned to be rather independent.

Yes, they are why I never had children of my own. I was afraid of what kind of parent I would have been. Ironically, my step-kids say I'm a great mom... but you would have to meet my 'competition'. Their standards are fairly low.

My main problem growing up was my stepdad. Now that I'm grown up and he's medicated, I'll actually call him my stepdad and not my mom's husband like I used to. I think my sister has a lot to do with that too.

My stepdad had some serious anger management issues. If anything made him mad, he took it out on me. I did nothing right, and he was good at finding reasons to blame things on me. He's one of the reasons I hate Christmas. There were so many times I had to do something like unclog the toilet after being all dressed up and ready to leave for grandmas because obviously it was my fault it got clogged. Something broke? My fault. Dish dirty? My fault. Cat sick? My fault, and I better make her better, or he'd get rid of her. (He did.) Chores were punishment, but there was no way I'd ever do them "right." Like Mema said, no crying was allowed.

Although he threw things at me, he never hit me except for spanking. But as you can imagine, I got spanked all the time, sometimes I didn't even know what for. That's why I tend to avoid conversations about spanking kids, because I know the people supporting spanking are talking about discipline, but I relate spanking to an acceptable form of hitting out of anger.

Luckily, he didn't treat my sister like that. I was always on the lookout for it, and had plans to get her away if I needed to. But she's his daughter, and I wasn't.

So I'm afraid if I had kids that I would either be like my stepfather, or go the exact opposite direction and be too lenient. And no matter what, no man is ever going to treat me like he did. I didn't imagine I'd ever get married.

My dad's side of the family is pretty healthy emotionally though. They're not over-sharers, but they don't have a problem saying, "I love you." When there's conflict, instead of internalizing it, they're good at just letting it go. I think I get a lot of that from them. When I'm mad about something, I think, "Is this really worth it?" But on the other hand, if someone else is upset, whether or not they're mad at me, I tend to think it's all my fault.