I am going through a personal crisis right now, most of which is my doing. This is not easy for me to post about, but part of healing is taking responsibility for my actions so here goes.
For the last few months, Laura and I have been having problems. Although I'm not proud of it, I found myself lashing out physically at Laura. This took the form of hitting her on the arm, hair pulling, and at times, shoving her. The last physical confrontation took place just before I left on vacation on February 7. This is not something I planned, nor is it something I WANTED to do by any means. I have admitted everything I've done to our therapist and she is beginning to work with me on this.
There is no excuse for what I did, but I do have some perspective on why it happened. For those of you who don't know, I was abused by a caregiver as a child, and could not do anything about it because I was just a little girl at the time. Those who abuse were often abused themselves, and I'm no exception. In Laura I found someone I could control and dominate for the first time. Again, this is not an excuse, but I understand why I might have done it. I feel terrible for having done it. Laura is now in a shelter after checking herself into a hospital on the night of February 10 and staying there for a week. She knows that I've admitted everything to our therapist and am beginning to wqork on this. As of right now, she's not speaking to me and I don't even know if she will ocome back. I know some of you might be angry with me, and I understand if you are, but I ask for your prayers and support as I work through this.
The first thing is admitting it. But you've already taken step two- seeking help. Everyone has problems & as long as you're not in denial and are getting help it can get better.
__________________
"Am I speaking in a language you're not getting here?"
I am very sorry to hear that Mel. There are two things I will add here for what my opinion is worth. One, please go get yourself help. You are right that it is often a cycle that repeats itself. But as a former victim, you should know how the other person feels and I hope that you can find out what it will take to get you over this and on with your life.
Two, let Laura go. She has been through sooo much, as I know you have. But as a former victim of domestic violence, the most people can every hope for is that both parties heal and move on. But I do not think it would be in either parties best interest to see if you can work through this. I hope that you will never repeat this mistake again. But it is not fair for her to wait all her life to see if it will happen again. You know Laura is not strong and has become used to this behavior. If you love her you will let her go and find someone who will give her what she deserves. If you heal yourself and never repeat this again, then all will be good for you both.
Again- that is my opinion. I am not judging you, just praying that you both can heal and move on.
I hope you can work things out with yourself and Laura, I'm sure nobody here will judge you, I know I won't, we all have things in our lives we want to change, and I hope you can work these things out. We are all here if you need to talk Mel.
