1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
19. Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
20. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
21. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
23. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
24. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
25. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
26. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
27. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
28. You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
29. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
30. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
31. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
32. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
33. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
34. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
35. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
36. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
37. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
38. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
39. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.