Hey Guys-  Just wanted to get you up to date on life.  As you know hubby and I separated first part of September.  The first month I tried talking, fretting, praying, wringing my hands wondering how to make him want to come back home.  He had said he was confused, didn't feel like we were friends, and that the marriage had become a business relationship. 

Last month, with no real communication from him or steps at reconciliation, I finally decided I needed to confront my suspicions that there might be someone else.  He had adamently denied it each time I asked.  With fairly quick results, my suspicions were confirmed.  In one way, the news was devastating because it made me realize things had deteriorated farther than I had thought.  But... in another way it came as a relief. 

My prayer to God for the last six weeks had been that God would open his eyes and his heart to what he was doing and bring about a change in his feelings and behavior.  The second part of my prayer though was that... if his mind was already made up, please let him be cheating, and please let me find out quickly.  That would allow me to have a scriptural reason for my divorcing and would also allow me to look forward and not backward. 

I ended up filing on grounds of ery and other sordid things the end of October.  I didn't want to announce it on the forum in the unlikely event that he would get on here snooping.  Anyway, he got the paperwork yesterday.  And is now unwilling to talk about the grounds for divorce under the advice of his attorney.  I'm afraid I'll end up having to write him a letter in order to get everything off of my chest that I want to tell him.  I don't think he will ever be receptive to talking with me about this mess and how it all came about.  He'll do it the way his family does all of their problems, AVOIDANCE and acting like it's not there.

Anyway... long story short.  I think I hit bottom a couple of weeks ago.  You all can see I'm requesting again.  I've been assured by friends in similar situation that I'll still have bad days, but... I'm expecting them and I'll roll with them.  I just want you guys to know I'm OK.  I've accepted this path that hubby has led  me down, but I have firm faith that God is directing my steps and will ultimately lead my children and me to a better life. 

I think what helped me more than anything was letting go of the anger and resentment towards hubby.  I'm actually praying for him now on a regular basis.  I pray that he finds the self-love that he's been missing and blamed me for not fulfilling.  I pray he finds contentment and happiness and that he will make the life changes that will be required in order for him to feel good again about himself.  He IS the father of my s and I really do want him to be a good, healthy, father.  If he can be a better father seeing them every other weekend than he was being a half-baked father every night, then this is a blessing. 

THanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers through this horrible time.  It's the worst thing that's ever happened in my life, but with friends, family, church, and others, I've come out on the other side. 

One last thing.  This Bible verse helped me more than anything and is one that still brings me comfort.  (Proverbs 16:9):  Man chooses his path, but the Lord directs his steps.  Guys, God give us free will.  He will let us go down a path of destruction if that's the way we choose to go.  Sometimes, our path is determined for us by others, but.... God IS with us in the journey to get back on the right track.  I know he is leading me right now.  He actually may even be carrying me like the poem "Footprints in the Sand".  Regardless,  I am blessed by my relationship with him and hope that any of you that ever need such help will be able to ask him for help.  If you don't, call me.  We'll get there together. 

Love you all, TG